Vision Board Revisited

I sat on the edge of the bed earlier and looked at the vision board

A lot of them are part of my world now it’s a matter of continuing with them

I can have fun, I can can go walking, I can have laughter and an open fire, I do have hot water, I can go to festivals, I can be creative, I can enjoy the sunsets and the universe and the looking at the sky

The big thing remains the fact that I would like to be doing all of these things with someone else and that someone is J and that is out of my control

The dress

A designer I know and have bought from sent me a text yesterday about something o might like

I went there today and fell in love with it 

The minute I put it on it was me

Even with flat sandals I felt elegant and pretty

It was a red version of a dress I own and wear a lot

But it’s not on my priority list

Nor do I have anywhere I would wear it

He reduced the price but I still couldn’t justify it

To me it’s the train fare to J’s 

Or a return ticket to Ireland

Or a second hand folding bike

Or several driving lessons 

Those are on my list

A beautiful dress is not

18 months ago I would have bought it

But now I don’t need a beautiful dress

I would rather the money pay for a hot water system in Wales 

I felt guilty trying on the dress cos I knew it would be a wrench to take off and not take it home

But my life is more than pretty dresses now

Late news but...

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

I was on the last day of the job hunting workshop last week and the call came through and yes I burst into tears 

Then the provisional offer came through and I agreed it

A weight has been lifted

Help

 He asked me to look at his script 😀😀😀😀😀😀

This is a big thing

He is trusting me with his latest baby and I can’t stop smiling

Cos trust was the thing and bizarrely I have been working on scripts lately so can do this

It’s late at night and I am buzzing 

Small steps

Last week I finally self referred myself to talking therapies and had my assessment this morning.

This is something that has been on my mind for some time.

I last had counselling over 20 years ago and life has changed so much since then in ways I would never have imagined

Now it’s time for a refresher to deal with niggles still in my head

I have been doing a lot of self realisation sessions but this was vital for me

They have offered me 10 one hour 1:1 video sessions 

Whether I get J back or not this is important for me and my own development 

If we were a short fIlm

Middle aged large women in office, looking tired and not looking happy. Looks out of window 

Image is dark and grey

Late at night 

Same woman is on train dressed in summer clothes waving out the window of a train smiling

Move to see silhouette of a man walking away from train waving at her

Back to woman on train 

Face changes

Voice over woman: thank fuck that’s over. NEXT!!

She takes a phone out of a big bag and opens a dating app and swipes no a few times as voiceover relays her thoughts

VOW: No. Eek, nooooo, fish are not sexy!!!!, nope, laughter erm no, oh get real, seriously

Pulls face of despair during this

She stops and lingers over a match

VOW: hmmm 

Her face lights up and her eyes sparkle

VOW: yes please

She swipes the other way and smiles

Puts phone down and keeps smiling

Fade to blackout

Woman back in office head down working, office half empty, early evening, cleaners around

Grey and dark 

Phone beeps and she looks at it, opens the dating app and smiles

VOW: yessssss

Frantically types on phone 

Phone beeps

She digs headphones out of big bag

Dials number

Woman: hello you

Big grin on face 

Normal lighting and bright 

Woman leaves office in the dark skipping down road and grinning

Calendar 3 September 

Daylight, cluttered house predominantly red, woman tidying up frantically, looks at clock 

VOW: fuck

Gets out phone and types “running late”

Runs upstairs and comes down looking glamorous 

Waterloo station, 1.25pm on the clock

A tall man with dreadlocks looks up, we don’t see his face yet 

Voiceover male : she’s stood me up!!!!

Woman emerges from the escalator with a big bag from tube straightening her dress, catches sight of herself in a window

VOW: shit, so late, please be there

She walks along concourse looking manically towards the clock. She sees him but he is looking the other way. 

VOW: turn around, no no don’t walk away

He turns around and she smiles. She walks towards him blushing. They embrace. He smells her neck and as they separate we see his face for the first time as they look at each other and smile

He is older than her, clean shaven and beautiful

Outside bar on southbank, sunny day. They are sat laughing and chatting 

She goes to the ladies

VOW: shit he’s bloody lovely, stay calm, don’t just throw yourself at him, breath woman breath

She goes outside and can’t see him at the table.

VOW: fuck, he’s gone

Panic on face

VOW: and he’s got my bag!!!!

Frantic looking around

Then he appears

Rewind to him whilst she is in the loo

VOM: she’s taking forever, might as well look at the river 

He picks up her big bag which is heavy

VOM: what the fuck has she got in here

He has a feel of her bag

Him: what have you got in here an axe

Big smiles

Him: shall we get down to some serious flirting 

Her: sorry no, not feeling it

VOW: what did you just say!!!

Her: we can hang out though if you like

Him: sure

He looks disappointed. They walk along the southbank and talk 

VOW: what are you playing at, think woman think. What would fleabag do. She’d drag him home right now

They keep walking and chatting and smiling

She suggests they stop for a sit down

They sit overlooking the river apart from each other

They keep chatting and smiling

She moves her hand towards his leg to touch him then retracts nervously

VOW: god I fancy him and I’ve fucked up. You stupid woman. He probably doesn’t fancy you anyway

Move to another outside bar, empty bottle on table, lots of flirting, his eyes sparkle

Lots of chatting 

She goes to loo for a long time

VOW:  it’s my round but I bet he wants to go

Takes out phone and checks price of an uber home

Back outside

Him: thought I had lost you again 

Her: no, but it’s my round.....or I have a cheeky red at home 

They look at each other knowing what will happen

They run hand in hand to find Uber driver giggling

They run out of the cab into hers

Calendar takes off 4 days with a voiceover of mutual giggling and pleasurable noises

He leaves hers and kisses her passionately on the doorstep 

Him: see you in 2 weeks

He swaggers down street

She leans against wall and falls to the ground

Calendar on screen showing next two weeks and hand ticks off each day but stops 3 days later

She opens the door and smiles

VOM: I couldn’t stay away

Giggles

Calendar ticks off days and months 

Image of them hugging in the middle of a green field surrounded by hills

Both voices: happy new year

Kissing sounds

News stories, pandemic, lockdown

Driving away from a city 

VOW: I’m scared

They hug

They arrive back to the green place

Laughter and giggles fade to be replaced by bickering

Untidy house

Raised voices

VOW: I want my home

VOM: fuck off then

Tears 

They look at each other both different from who they were

Door slams 

Car drives away

Miles on dashboard going up

She opens her front door

She sees his vape on the table and his shoes in the corner. Close up of her eye as a tear trickles down 

VOW: what have I done, I don’t want to be here

She bursts into tears and runs up the stairs

Shot of her restless in bed staring upwards

Angry VOM: you left me, you hurt me, I can’t trust you

Tearful VOW: I know, I know

She sobs into her pillow

A positive pregnancy test gets thrown in the bin 

A negative pregnancy test gets thrown in the bin

She is in a surgery having a blood test

She is back in the bedroom 

Other voiceover: yes miss xxx I can confirm the menopause has started, you are not pregnant 

She cries and holds her stomach clearly mourning the loss of ever having a child 

She walks downstairs to a room full of colour, less red, yet tinged grey and looks outside at the view which gets greyer to greyer to complete blackout 

Calendar 3 September 

Woman in house carefully gets ready and is calm

She carefully puts everything in a big bag for a potential overnight stay

VOW: stay positive

She looks in the mirror 

VOW: looking good 

She keeps checking the parcel tracking app

VOW: just deliver it!!!

Rushes out the house

Rushes back and picks up phone and looks at time

She is now a hot sweaty mess 

VOW: fuck

Man in other house opens parcel with face masks and bandanas. There is a card with a picture of the clock at waterloo station showing 1.00pm

Waterloo station, 1.20pm on the clock

Woman dashes towards it and waits

The end...

If we were a film - the actual ending

Parcel arrives and neighbour signs for it

Man drives to green space

Waterloo station, clock strikes 3pm

Resigned, woman moves from under clock as a tear escapes

She walks out of the station and keeps walking

Instant blackout 

The end...or is it

Out and dragons blood

I went out yesterday 

I was nervous but I went out and sat outside, socially distanced and listened to live music

Drank beer and ate food 

It was normal

Tears prickled every time I mentioned J and as much as I enjoyed the company I wished he was there, he would have enjoyed it

P has split up with A again, as I suspected, this is now 3 times in 2 years. He is dating again but they are meant to be together 

I frantically made him masks this morning and he paid me £20 for them

Lots of dreams last night and J was in them all

I bought some dragons blood on Saturday and burnt it as I was thinking about J and the smoke blew to his end of the sofa and created his shape not once but twice

I really hope that is a good sign

One year

A year ago yesterday after a disaster pis date in Essex I swiped a gorgeous man on tinder and spoke to him exactly a year ago

I didn’t know how he would turn my life upside down 

I miss him with all my heart 

But hope the fact we are still friends is a positive sign and that he hasn’t given up on me

Ironically P phoned me today and we are going to a beer and blues festival in Greenwich on Sunday as he has sensed I have been feeling low over no festies 

He has split up and got back with A a few times so I am going to pick his brains 

Friends

When I came back to london I told the friends I felt I closest to

One turned up a few hours later with a food parcel and flowers

Another has been in touch most days

And another plays silly on line games with me

The others haven’t bothered

Why am I in this place

Love

 I bloody Love J

I thought I loved P and to a degree I did. But I never had it in reality with him

J was different

All I wanted wanted was a break but covid pushed us into living together before we were ready

And I needed me time

It is so hard not being with him

And I know with a bit of work he is the one I want to be with

He doesn’t trust me though

And I have been thinking about it all

How would I have reacted to someone behaving the why I did

I would have been holding on to their ankles as they tried to leave but that is the difference between us

I don’t know what I can do for him to forgive me 

I can’t do this without him

I give up

I have spent the past 4 days playing the if only game 

If only covid hadn’t happened

Then today J messaged me and he is in Maidenhead

He really doesn’t want me and I have been crying ever since 

I don’t know what to do

Without him there is no life

So what do I do

Vision board review

I had a look at my vision board earlier just in more detail

There are 22 items on it, 5 of which are out of my capacity to change and 17 which I can work on 

There are 18 things that could be considered short-term goals and 4 things that are long-term goals some of the short-term goals I’m not doing

I don’t have the open road 

I don’t have a lot of laughter or fun in my life at the moment

I am not working but working on change

Let’s look at what I can do

I can walk more 

I can appreciate the sunsets more

I can light a fire in the garden or burn some smelly fire scented candles

I can choose to be happy even if inside I am struggling

Things have to get better

My day started off Okay and I did a workshop with Darren Eden that left me feeling very positive 

I then checked my name and got depressed

There’s isn’t a lot of money left and that depresses me and upsets me even though I am doing the right things to get money there it is still a niggle that what if I don’t 

Staying positive is hard when anxiety is trying to pull you down

Cold

I have a cold

Sore throat, blocked nose, watery eyes, extreme fatigue and dizziness 

Phoned hospital and told not to do the covid test and postpone Friday 

Just when I had gotten used to it in my head

Festivals

I am not a seasoned festie goer.  I am not one of those people who have been to every festival over 20 years. In fact my first festival experience was only 8 years ago where I went for the day and stayed in the local pub.  It was glorious and sunny but I was jealous of all of those people camping and knew I was hooked. I did meet up with a friend, or should I say former friend, and we hung out a bit but I really wanted to do my own thing which is why he is now former as I was accused of ignoring him.

I went to a couple of smaller one day events that just confirmed my love of folky things.  Local gigs around London cemented this.

My next festival was bigger and whilst I didn’t camp, I stayed in the local de Vere hotel that included a spa treatment the next day, I did go for two days and had the full squishy mud experience on day one followed by glorious sunshine the next.  I met up with people I knew, drank too much, danced in the rain and saw bands I had never heard of that are now firm favourites.  However, I had this nagging feeling that I was a festie fraud by going back to my nice little hotel room where I could shower the mud away and clean my boots.  There were reasons for this as I didn’t own a tent and couldn’t drive.  The only thing that marred the experience was constant work emails but hey.

Both of these would be rectified for the following year and my biggest challenge. I even bought myself a little tent, a tent a friend borrowed and declared would be too small for me.  I still have it but knew I would need a bigger one.

Roll on the following year and I booked my festie ticket and car park pass without having passed my test but to me that gave me the determination and incentive to pass.  I passed on the third attempt and then got road practice on my own.  I did my pass plus to gain motorway confidence, joined a car club and I was good to go.  Well once I had bought a load of camping gear including a new bigger tent.

Me being me I planned everything; time to get car, get up, pack car and do my first drive through Central London which was a big gulp moment.  I developed a mantra “be calm, be brave, be confident” which I said out loud as travelled down the unfamiliar roads to Devon. I got the little car I had been practicing in and did a test load in case I needed to hire a larger vehicle and performed car Tetris.  I could do it but would need every bit of space in the car including the front seat and passenger foot well.  I even set up my little tent in the garden.

I picked up the car on the Wednesday, parked outside the house and put all the camping stuff in the kitchen so I could make a quick getaway. I didn’t dare put things in the car in case someone decided to be opportunist and nick my stuff.
Chargers were charged, alarms were set, which didn’t really matter as I was too excited to sleep, and 4am found my quietly loading the car before the planned 5.30am set off.

So I drove and drove, had breakfast at Fleet services and relied on Ms Satnav until she tried to take me through Andover instead of staying on the A303 which is when I decided to ignore her until I reached the turning that would take me down to Ottery St Mary. I saw Stonehenge for first time as the open road stretched ahead of me and I sang and sang and felt free and more than a bit excited.

I did a slight detour into the village to drop off some craft supplies to a friend and with mission accomplished just after 11am I headed towards the festie site.  So much for thinking I would be early as I joined a line of traffic and slowly edged towards the festival entrance.

I parked up near the entrance, loaded up my little cart and got in line.  People were already getting very merry around me and we stood/sat and waited for the gates to open all desperate to get set up before the forecasted rain fell.  I did a lot of people watching and developed some serious kit envy as I saw people with heavyweight folding trucks with their gear piled high.  My little cart proved to be wholly inadequate as it happened and I ended up having to do 3 trips to the car on paths that were already a bit squelchy.

A huge cheer emerged from the front and we all started to move albeit slowly.  I went through the gate, got my wristband and being a total novice at this stopped at the first available blank patch of land to set up.

Despite doing a test run in the garden I realised I still didn’t have a clue. Luckily the people next to me gave me a helping hand in return for borrowing my electric air pump. Within a couple of hours my little weekend home was set up, complete with a flower garland around my door.  Just time to put my feet up, open the wine and look at the programme to see if there are any clashes before putting my tank top and fez on to find the infamous Dirty Davey’s with just a bit of trepidation as I didn’t know where I was going and knew no-one. I needn’t have worried since a tank top and fez seemed to be the calling card for lots of strangers to talk to you.

This is when I realised just how far away I had camped from all the activity. Great being close to the entrance and by a path so I could find my tent, not so good having a long way to walk after the music. Hmmm food for thought for next time.

The site was MASSIVE particularly when compared to the little festie’s I had attended before.  Thursday at this festival is all about setting up and settling in before the music starts on the Friday. I had a few pints, chatted, laughed, and met the infamous Scott Doonican whilst wearing one of his original tank tops and as dusk fell explored more.  This is when I found the Tiny Tea Tent, the perfect place for a cuppa in front of a roaring fire, at the top of the hill.  From here you could see the entire site. Wow, overwhelmed or what but nonetheless still very excited.  I met up with my neighbours but declined their offer of heading to the 3am rave and headed back to my bed once I found it.

Surprisingly enough I slept well and woke up early the next morning whilst most of the camp were still asleep and went for a wander through the dew.  I sat outside my tent as the sun rose and brewed a coffee on my little camping stove, watched the world wake up and listened to birdsong. Despite being surrounded by 15,000 people I felt peaceful. I didn't quite go as far as hugging a tree but I took a few pics of some that were rather beautiful.

There was very little signal on site but that was no bad thing though. I had purposely left my work phone in the glove compartment in case of emergency.  I only checked it when I went back to the hire car every day to check my little chariot was all safe and secure.

I had a wet wipe wash, brushed my teeth, got dressed and wandered down to the arena area and had a flipping good time.  I met up with some familiar faces that I had seen at other festivals and had a catch up and just hung out.  The sun was blazing, I listened to bands I knew and others I didn’t, I had my face painted and got the obligatory henna tattoo and all was good in the world.

Saturday was pretty much the same apart from the fact I used my little solar shower to wash my hair as the one thing I had forgotten was the dry shampoo. I must have looked a sight in my wellies, pack a mac and nighty but it did the job.  I did wake up to find another tent right outside my front door – next time will use windbreaks to stake out my patch like other people did.  The weather was goodish in the morning until the heavens decided to open and things got a bit messy mid afternoon.

Very messy. I went back to my tent that night realised that I needed a bigger tent, i.e. one I could stand up in.  Trying to get out of wet outer clothes when you can’t stand up and don’t have much space is bloody difficult. I was so paranoid of waking up swimming in my tent that I put all electrics in several bags and slept under a giant umbrella which I bought in case in emergency.

Needless to say I didn’t sleep much as the rain didn’t stop. When I ventured outside in the morning I was met with the inevitable field of mud and a load of campers packing up. What to do next eh.  I really wanted to stay but the weather report was not good and I dreaded to think how the heck I would get out of the car park.  I decided to take a few things back to car to assess the damage and that was even worse.  It was no good, I couldn’t risk being stranded so with heavy heart I made the decision to pack up, go home and miss the last night.  I was gutted but had to let head overrule heart.

Lots of trips back to the car cos my trolley was useless. Sat in the car, took off my wellies and over trousers and drove very carefully and slippily off site.

Before I hit Stonehenge the sun was out and I was already wishing I was back in that glorious field.  If I wasn’t so tired I would have turned back but I was tired so headed back home where I was met with sun in London and unpacked the car. 

I sat on the sofa with a glass of wine jealously looking at pictures from those who had stayed.

I vowed to return. I quickly remedied one issue and bought a bigger tent, a huge 5 person 2 bedroomed tent, big yes and all for me yes, but hey at least I would be able to stand up in it.

My next festie was a little local one and I took a friend who was desperate to go.  Sadly we never made it into the place as it rained and there was moaning that there was going to be nowhere to sit and eat the picnic he prepared.  We decamped to mine and ate and my friend went home as the sun shone in the garden and I again desperately wished I was in a local park dancing in mud listening to my fav folk band. I can’t say as I was too happy about it.

I sadly didn’t go to my fav festival the following year as I had been out of work and was unsure of funds, work, time off etc.  and watched it all from the sofa and was so gutted that I put the dates in my diary for this year as soon as I could.  I bought my ticket within seconds of them going on sale and I was good to go.  All good so far. Line up came out and was literally dancing around the office.

Roll on a year and I despite not driving I took a couple of practice lessons and drives and did the big debate about a car. The previous years car was going to be no good to me with a bigger tent. So I hired a bigger one that worked out cheaper than the smaller one.

I made the decision that I was going to go down earlier and extend my break.

The drive down was easy and I did a pitstop in Glastonbury before heading to the coast for fish and chips on the beach.

I had booked an air bnb in Honiton and arrived as the heavens opened. My little log cabin overlooked a paddock and I woke to the sound of horses neighing after a night of pelting rain

It was still early so I drove down to Sidmouth for a few supplies before heading back towards Ottery St Mary where I joined a long line of traffic to get in.  I didn’t care though cos I was nearly there.

This year I was armed not only with a better tent but a bigger trolley that was a pain in the ass to pull.

I didn’t camp where I did last time but found a great spot in a very easy to find place.  This was a difficult festival for me as I hadn’t seen or heard from one of my festie buddies for some time and was the last time I did see him.  So there were tears and there was a lot of rain but I survived to the end.  I slowly packed up on the Monday and gingerly edged through the mud in the car.

It was a long drive home but me and car made it back before next door helped me clean it before taking it back.  I had survived.

The following year was going to be different.  And it was for a start off I was involved in a car crash 3 days before I was due to go which nearly put paid to it all.  However, a lovely bloke foolishly offered me a lift in his camper van. I say foolishly, I bought a new tent with an awning and a proper bed so camper gear had increased yet again, so when he saw it all he must have wondered what the hell he was doing.

Anyway we drove down and he introduced me to new music and we drove down the M4, not my usual way but we were meeting friends of his south of Bristol to go in convoy.

The weather gods were good to us and we arrived on site and I slowly started moving my stuff to the tent field.  I chose a spot just inside the gate – but it was a different gate which was even closer to the music than the previous years.  Several trips later and help from a neighbouring tent and I was set up for a weekend of fun.

This year there were less tears and I did enjoy it.  I wasn’t looking out for people as a post on FB made it clear people weren’t going to be there. I bumped into lots of others I knew and it was great weekend. And new friends were made.  I packed up on the Monday and my trolley died so that got dumped in the rubbish.

Over for another year.

Last year I made it to the little local festival and took a first date there.  We had a giggle and although we stopped dating we are still mates.

Forward two months to August. Still no driving for me but my lift from the previous year offered and I said yes. I was more nervous as I had been rushed into hospital the previous month so had to be careful.  I was hoping they would put the camper vans in the same place so I could pitch where I was the previous year. Luckily the next field was only slightly further away  so I took my first trolley of stuff as I went in search of a perfect pitch. Didn’t manage the same spot but pretty damned close to it. I dumped off one lot of stuff and headed back by which time the rest of their party had arrived cos they bought everything down in one trip.  Back to putting a tent up solo again – this is always the worst part of it for me.  Within minutes a group of 3 people had stopped to help, turns out they were Oxfam volunteers and security had sent them to help. So I was set up in no time. I changed and headed down to Dirty Daveys for the usual Thursday night banter.  Met up with a friend I hadn’t seen for over 15 years and we got suitably merry, we even got chatted up by a bloke and his dad.  I pulled the younger one who I couldn’t get rid of.

Managed to catch the bands I wanted to on the Friday afternoon before retreating to the tent for a tea time nap by which time it was pissing down and I promptly fell outside the tent resulting in a visit to the medical cabins so that was the end of Friday.

Saturday was good but I stayed chatting near what had been the bandstand in previous years.  Watched a few bands in the evening on the main stage and all was alright in the world.

Sunday I got stupidly drunk in the afternoon in the glorious hot weather so went back to my tent and stayed there in a tearful mess to sleep it off, the downside to not driving is that you can keep drinking.

It was an odd festival.  I fell over a few times got chatted up, had a fling and then got hideously upset about life. Saw lots of people I knew though which always make these things fun. Thanks to my hangover the journey back was even more subdued than the usual end of festival downer.

In the past I have always liked going to these things alone for a number of reasons.

1.      I can do what I like when I like and how I like
2.      I can be as organised or disorganised as I want
3.      This is my one piddley little holiday and I can do what I want without having to compromise and think about other people
4.      I can sit in my tent all day if I want, okay I don’t want but the point is I can, or I can dance all night if I want, which I don’t want either
5.      I can buy what I want and I am answerable to no-one
6.      I can go and relax in the holistic area or just drink tea
7.      I can leave when I want
8.      And I feel free
9.      It took me a long time to embrace that I needed to recharge my batteries and this is how I do it.

This was me in the past where I have wandered around like a nomad but truth is I have been looking in envy at the small gatherings of friends and the couples just embracing the freedom of the festival.

This year was going to be different. This year I was going with J with no plans to see any particular band other than what he wanted to see. I was going to have the best of times.

I was going to introduce him to people I knew and smile so proudly that this gorgeous sexy man was mine as we approached our one year anniversary.

But thanks to covid no festival and thanks to my stupidity no us.

Not looking forward to this weekend.

Next year will be better, right?

Risks

From the minute we wake up in the morning we take risk

We risk stubbing our toes as we stumble out of bed so we watch where we are going but we need to leave the room so we do it

We risk slipping in the bathroom so we put down a mat or we can’t go for a pee and feel relief

We risk falling down the stairs so we hold on to the handrail or we are stranded up there

We risk burning ourselves on the kettle so we use a towel and get a delicious hot beverage

We go outside and cross the road and look it either direction or we might miss something wonderful on the other side

We go on a date with a stranger. It could be a disaster or it could be something wonderful 

We get in a car to go somewhere, it might crash or it could show us amazing places

Without talk a chance we would never do anything 

There is every chance that if you stub your toe you will do it again and again and quite probably in the same place 

You will curse yourself and it and if it really hurts you will cry but you will still walk there daily 

You won’t throw the kettle out cos it burnt you a couple of times but you might be a bit more careful with it. You won’t be as rushed to pick it up in case you drop it

Sometimes people hurt us 

Not deliberately but things get said by people

Mean things 

And it hurts 

We have a choice

We can cut that person out entirely

Or we can choose to keep them

There will always be a risk of further hurt 

But you learn to grow with that person

Not every row is the end 

We can’t live in a protective bubble

Life isn’t like that 

But if you learn from the row and what sparked it - circumstance etc then you do grow stronger if you care for that person

If you didn’t care then you walk away

And if you can’t walk away then you talk and resolve things 

Life is not all roses

And even they have thorns

They might prick you from time to time 

But doesn’t stop you inhaling the sweet scent or admiring their beauty

A life travelled alone is a lonely one

I am willing to take the risk to be hurt

Cos the journey might just be bloody amazing 

Weekend

Lazy weekend with a few J tears thrown in

My life is pretty empty with him not in it

Made a couple of posts on Facebook trying to get help for Flacky’s mum which resulted in loads of messages offering to help but I feel uncomfortable with that so going down the official route to get her help

Still undecided about Friday but phoned the hospital this morning and a guy called Shahil was great and ordered a covid test. Just cos I order it does mean I have to do it and I can still change my mind once I have done

Turn back time

This time last year I woke up in my happy field in Devon

I was coming to the end of a successful contract and was going all out for fun at my favourite festival 

A couple of weeks later I met J and the rest is history

We all say we want to go back to a certain time for a visit

But I would really like the chance the relive the last year again as it was the happiest until I screwed it up and I wouldn’t fuck it up this time

I wanted to take him to Beautiful Days and introduce this gorgeous handsome man to my festival family and it would have been perfect

I just want a chance to right my wrongs

I want him back and I don’t know what I have to do

Covid 19 and surgery

I have surgery booked for next week to see if I have cancer which I am not looking forward to 

But things are bothering me

I have been so good with looking after myself and protecting those I have been in contact with during all of this so do I really want to put myself in a hospital environment where there is this hidden killer

NO

I have received my text asking me to book a covid test and in it I am told I have to shield beforehand

I have put a call into the doctor as this making me even more fretful about the procedure and I would rather postpone it

I also have another appointment in my local surgery the following week that for me is more important and that will have to be cancelled if I go through with this 

The other glitch that is bugging me is my details being held

Am I just being crazy

Update: spoke to doctor who accused me of overthinking selfishness

Wish I could talk to J

Hair loss

I have had my hair down today 

And it’s coming out in clumps 

Not sure what that is about but it bothers me