Lonely

I am the loneliest I have ever been in my life

And I have been alone a lot in my life

I got so comfortable being part of a couple that I felt I could hurt the other person without being pushed away

For the first time in my life I was secure

I felt safe and was slowly being able to argue

I know that’s crazy but for me that was a positive sign but my timing was pretty shit doing it when he wasn’t well

So I just hurt the other person

He can’t forgive me 

I can’t forgive me

I want to be part of us again 

Not just any old us

But me and him

Mr big hands from Wales

But rightly so he won’t let us

I cry every day 

But it’s pointless as there is still stuff I need to tackle from my past

So this is now my life

And it sucks

Alcohol

I wrote the other day about how I felt alcohol was controlling me

Well it’s been 5 days since I had a drink 

I walk past the wine rack many times a day 

And I haven’t been tempted even though this week has been hard

I want to enjoy drinking socially again and I can’t do that if it is an addiction

I am back in control 

I think this is this is the difference between somebody that is drink aware and an alcoholic

I was able to stop like that by altering my mindset and making the decision that I WILL NOT DRINK rather than it being forced upon me by circumstance

I am not perfect but every so often I do take stock particularly in light of my brothers alcoholism

With the weather we are currently having it would be very easy to drink outside

In fact I sat in the garden for a while earlier and took out a large glass of ice and munched on that 

In the heat I would be questioning:

Do I want alcohol

Or am I thirsty 

Lines that are very easy to blur 

Especially when there is a bottle open

Job hunting

I have found things a struggle lately on the job hunting front and as such have not been as proactive as I could have been as each knock back was having a negative effect on me

I believed what I was being told when agencies told me I was then best candidate it should put looking on hold before things fell flat and I would have to start again

I was looking daily on LinkedIn and I would message/email/text/WhatsApp people and hear nothing. These were people who had connected with me who knew me and it had an on impact on how I was feeling 

I normally have a much thicker skin regarding looking for work but so much time out has made me nervous especially as my attitude to work has changed

I could have happily carried on the way I was with J in Wales but one of us has to earn money and even though the way I left was rubbish this is ultimately what I have to do and focus on if I want to achieve my vision board 

So this week I had to focus

It’s been really hard to stay positive and I know my well being has suffered for it. Fed up of reaching out to contacts who have posted things on LinkedIn and getting nothing back this week I tried a different way. 

However, before this happened on a Monday I spoke to someone who wasn’t a contact who told me I had left it too long (11 months) that my age was against me, that there were younger, brighter people out there and I should consider either shelf stacking in Tesco or go round the smaller agencies looking for reception work. To say I felt kicked in the stomach is an under statement.

I had a little cry, looked at my vision board of what I want in life and got back on the horse, as it were, as my focus was in place and I know what I want. I sent out 127 personalised emails to agency contacts over 3 days. From that I received 19 bounce backs/moved jobs/out of office, 18 emails thanking me, 7 calls offering me great advise and support, 1 application submitted as a result of one of those calls and nothing from the rest. 

Those who haven’t responded will get a follow up next week and if there is nothing then I will put them on my B list and focus on the agencies who responded. I know it’s hard out there but it’s hard living in your own head when you aren’t achieving what you know you can. 

Positive

Despite how I was feeling yesterday I kept my eating clean and didn’t drink either

I had a late night shower and did something  new

I did a tapping meditation by candlelight before listening to H’s reading 

And despite the heat I slept well

I woke just after 7 and went to the loo and came back to bed

Normally I would pick up my phone and start the day but I was so sleepy and managed to sleep again which is unheard of

I woke up 9.40 ish which is amazing

Before I did anything else I did a morning tapping exercise and feel energised

It’s 11am and I have already spoken to 2 agencies and been put forward for a job

Jackie is coming round in a bit as I think a little bit of time out is needed for me

Today I feel positive I am going to find work

The heat and how I feel today

Thoka Maer

@thokamaer

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Teary and annoyed

I should be leading my best life now 

I found a man I wanted to spend my life with

I wasn’t being silly with money 

And I finally felt assured in my work that finding it wouldn’t be a problem

So taking time out for me was all the holidays I never took in my working life 

Instead I go to bed with my brain in over drive scared about it money

Scared about being penniless and homeless

And no amount of meditating is helping sleep

Stupidly I read my horoscopes last night before bed and they are starting to frighten me

They aren’t positive at the moment 

Unfortunately the heat is making it hard to sleep

The noise of the fans doesn’t help

But I can’t sleep with my windows open unless I want to hear the noise of the neighbours and banging doors

Which makes me resent this damned money pit of a house even more

I just want a good nights sleep

Why am I annoyed?

I am annoyed with this poxy pandemic

And annoyed with myself for daring to attempt to be happy

I am annoyed with myself for everything I did that hurt J 

I am annoyed with my body for being menopausal

I am annoyed with my head for being all over the place and not thinking clearly 

I am annoyed with myself for not being good enough for him

I now know what happiness is

And right now I am not

So today I am struggling 

I have had such a good few days 

But all I want to do today is cry 

Day 3 of self care

Well today is the third day of wellbeing self care and I feel good

Whilst I am not sleeping great

I am waking with a clearer head

I haven’t been sick in the night

I am waking up hungry but I am being very strict with my food and eating times so I have one cup of coffee to last me until 7pm

I am going to take another water pill to remove excess fluids and toxins

Tomorrow I will start to go for walks and get some exercise into my routine

J went up his mountain yesterday which we were going to do. Wish I could have been with him

So what has changed:

1. No booze

2. No crap food

3. No tv during the day

4. At least one meditation

5. No gaming when I go to bed but instead light and candle and think about the day

6. Water tablet to reduce water retention

7. One cup of coffee per day

Small changes but necessary ones if I am to achieve what I want to this month

My feet

Well, I have done another clean day of eating 

What has that to do with my feet well they were all puffy and my tum was bloated so clean eating has bought everything back to normal. With hindsight I should have taken pics of my feet which are normally very elegant

Considering my upset I have done day 2 with no booze and it’s okay

My brother was an alcoholic and sometimes I just have to take myself in hand so I am in control as opposed to it

Still got another 20 emails to send to chase agencies tomorrow but slowly getting there

I can do self love even if the world isn’t very loving back

Rejection

Another knock back from a job and feeling very teary

I desperately need a hug

One of the things I loved about J was how tactile he was. I could just go up to him and kiss him

Not sure if I am ever going to be held again and I am struggling

I know I need to just put a smile on my face and crack on with agency stuff but part of me thinks I am just wasting my time

I should just blow my remaining funds and bow out of life

I didn’t want to be saved

And now I am drowning and am trying to find a life jacket

AND THIS BLOG IS UP TO DATE

Self Care and the Full Moon (3rd August 2020)

So after the shitty call earlier I was feeling low

If I had been downstairs I would have reached out for a bottle but I wasn’t as I am trying to rid myself of some of the toxins that are inside which means peeing a lot as I woke up yesterday with swollen hands and feet

I digress

Instead I joined a mindfulness meditation for 45 minutes

Not sure my heart was fully in it but it did calm me and ground me

I then ate my first food of the day and had a long cold drink and watched a bit of TV

Brian called and we put the day to rights before I watched the news

I have read about moon baths but I hate baths however when I went to see the witches I bought an Aphrodite bath which I mixed in a bucket on their suggestion

I lit candles and incense and stood in the shower as I scooped each handful of water and rubbed it into me

I thought about the things I want to achieve this month

1. Means of earning money

2. Love both internally and externally

3. Peace in my head

So self love by doing things like this – sitting on the bed with luscious smells around me as I get lost in positive thoughts

Work (3rd August 2020)

I am not at the moment. And it scares me

I last earned any money a year ago and have been living off savings

It wasn’t the intention. I finished work and planned to find something else immediately and then I met J and life changed

Work didn’t seem important and I enjoyed our life

Work was my old life and I didn’t want it back

But I had to but decided to give myself Christmas before life had to get serious again especially as I had surgery in December

I started looking after and had a couple of jobs of jobs lined up and then Covid happened

Then I split with J and came home as I thought I had a job but that fell through to

Money is worrying me and I have been procrastinating, I admit it

Again interviews went well and jobs still didn’t happen

Today I have focused on sending out an updated CV to agencies which should hit half of the inboxes tomorrow with the rest on Wednesday

It was all very positive

Then I had a call from an agency today who basically told me I was past it and should get a job in a supermarket

I feel old and past it which is basically what the agency told me

I have to find a job this month

This house is sucking my cash and the life out of me

And I don’t even want to be here

Let's Talk Alcohol (3rd August 2020)

Or let’s not

This is a going to be a hard post to write

Alcohol can be like the best love after

It makes you happy

You can be yourself

It makes you smile and you have a great time with it

And it can be the worst

It makes you question yourself

It scares you and makes you paranoid

It makes you look ugly and needy

It can control you

It can be the last thing you do at night and the first thing you think about on waking

Right now it’s controlling me

It’s not just a glass of wine or a bottle

It’s a bottle of port or vermouth

Easy to pour

Easy to drink

Wine repulses me at the moment and I can’t drink it

So the harder stuff it is

I used to keep it in the garage so I would have to physically go out to get a bottle but we made a little bar in the corner and it’s easily to hand

I am drinking daily and I want to stop

I have to stop

One step/day at a time