Teary and annoyed

I should be leading my best life now 

I found a man I wanted to spend my life with

I wasn’t being silly with money 

And I finally felt assured in my work that finding it wouldn’t be a problem

So taking time out for me was all the holidays I never took in my working life 

Instead I go to bed with my brain in over drive scared about it money

Scared about being penniless and homeless

And no amount of meditating is helping sleep

Stupidly I read my horoscopes last night before bed and they are starting to frighten me

They aren’t positive at the moment 

Unfortunately the heat is making it hard to sleep

The noise of the fans doesn’t help

But I can’t sleep with my windows open unless I want to hear the noise of the neighbours and banging doors

Which makes me resent this damned money pit of a house even more

I just want a good nights sleep

Why am I annoyed?

I am annoyed with this poxy pandemic

And annoyed with myself for daring to attempt to be happy

I am annoyed with myself for everything I did that hurt J 

I am annoyed with my body for being menopausal

I am annoyed with my head for being all over the place and not thinking clearly 

I am annoyed with myself for not being good enough for him

I now know what happiness is

And right now I am not

So today I am struggling 

I have had such a good few days 

But all I want to do today is cry