Illness (22nd July 2020)

As a child my parents spent time in hospital for their spine and I had my tonsils and appendix out. Nothing special

But lately I have been thinking about my attitude towards illness

Particularly in view of covid-19.

My dad became seriously ill when I was 9 and so illness came into the home in a big way.

He died at home

5 years later my mum died of the same disease

As did both of my brothers in later life

To a degree I have been a bit of a hypochondriac

Every sniff and sniffle would have me on google checking symptoms probably because my parents left it to late. I tend to get things checked then I can dismiss them and not worry

As a manager at work I was always sceptical of people being sick

And in my head I would be thinking “are you dying”

And would be the one dragging myself in when I felt sick or would flex my hours so I wasn’t around too many people

At my last company despite them having a robust working from home message I still went in almost every day

So if I worked from home then I really must be ill

And everyone knew that

Alarm bells should have rung for me regarding illness when I discharged myself from hospital 2 days after being blue lighted in with a previously undiagnosed heart condition. In fact my third day in hospital was spent on the phone working. 

No I didn’t class myself as indispensable but I didn’t want to be seen as weak

I didn’t feel ill so I couldn’t be ill could I

Then covid-19 happened and illness was all over the news and social media

My partner was convinced he had contracted it

But I didn’t think so. That wasn’t to say he wasn’t ill but it was just a cold

But he seemed to want to be ill and I just couldn’t understand it

And I couldn’t convince him otherwise

We had been very good with social distancing but he was becoming paranoid about it

I walked out on him and came back to my house rather than staying and looking after him

That makes me sound very uncaring and I am not which is why I am questioning myself over my reaction

My natural reaction being confronted by someone who was sick was to run as far as I could and as fast

And in turn I have lost the man I wanted to grow old with

So what is my issue with illness

Is it that to be really ill you must be dying

And if you are dying then I am going to lose you

Was I scared that he really was ill and he was going to die

I don’t know

I have a full medicine cabinet of drugs and personally have to take 13 tablets every day

And I am lax at taking them

I know I am

Cos I am not sick

But the doctors tell me I am

It is an illness phobia

I don’t know but I feel that my attitude towards illness stems from seeing the people who have been closest to me in my life die

I made a decision with myself years ago that if I got a terminal illness then I would throw a big party and go off somewhere and take my life

I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone

Nor did I want anyone who loved me to see me in a state

I will come back to this but I just wanted to put a few words down as they have been playing on my mind